Daring Life

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.~ James Kavanaugh

This is an excerpt from the book "There are Men Too Gentle To Live Among Wolves", an excerpt sent to me by a friend. These two sentences encapsulate my emotion well.

I said good by to many this week who are "daring to ask of life everything good and beautiful". These are the people who have strengthened me, challenged me and walked through life with me since my return in January. They are people who were willing to wake early to catch the sunrise, willing to go on crazy adventures through the woods, and willing to be vulnerable as we share our hearts.  These gentle people are the ones who feel, they are not naive of the world's trembling hands. The gentle ones listen to words, yet hear the heart behind each syllable.

This morning was spent with a dear friend of mine I met two years ago while at Victory Bible Camp in Sutton, Alaska. We made our way through Estes Park, for me the first time being in Colorado and the Rocky Mountains. The mountains were still wearing their glistening snow crowns. We climbed an area of the park to Alberta Falls. This climb included sliding down snow laden trails, leaping from boulder to boulder bare foot, and stringing up my hammock by the roaring falls. I was able to reflect upon an incredible gift God has given me called life.

The past few weeks have not been easy. Some places I have avoided, others I could easily have been mistaken for living there. I have rushed, drifted, and worried the days away until I left for a short vacation before reaching YWAM Las Vegas for the summer. I have had many good-byes; the hardest ones reminding me I found something good.

All of it is reminding me how mundane I often created life to be. The precious moments are lost. The
pure love of a two year old holding out a dandelion is overshadowed by the bug ridden weed shoved in your face. I suppose even if Jesus had a car He would still walk, taking in every strange person, site, smell, taste and feel. He knew how to look at the person before Him, not simply the body before Him. Jesus dared the times to be different. He spoke to the outcasts and diseased. He dared physics and walked on water. He dared math and fed thousands with two fish and five loaves. He dared life to be something greater than mundane.

Unfortunately, unlike Jesus I cannot make some grand commission, remind my disciples of who I am and elevate into the sky. I can only give my finale lectures to the kids ("Make good choices!" "Wear sunscreen!" "Drink lots of water and eat fruit!"), remind my family of who they are to me and fly off into the sky.

I may find myself wondering, dreaming, loving and lonely, but I will choose to seek out of God a life dripping of freedom. Then the day will come, when He decides I have lived among the wolves for too long. He will take me home to the place I have wondered and dreamed about, a place my soul yearns for. Until I am taken, I will choose to surround myself with those who also dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful.

Current location: Scottsbluff, Nebraska. Departing: June 3 for Las Vegas, Nevada.

All That I Know

I know I love them and will miss them like crazy!!

The most common phrase I have used in the past year is: I don't know.

At first it was used and it did not bother me to much. Why Vegas? Why YWAM? Are you coming back to college? Why now and not later?

Then it started to freak me out a little. How are you paying for this? Where is the money coming from? How much luggage can you bring? Who is picking you up from the airport? What is living conditions? Who are these people? What do these people do? What will you be learning? What will you be doing? What is the security of your location like?

Then it became funny to me. How did so many people fit into the cars? Where did the money come from? What did you eat? How did you meet that person? How did you survive the Himalayan hike? How did just you get worms? What are you doing next?

Now it is just a common phrase to me. The more I say, "I don't know," the more I realize it can only be described in one word: God.

I am moving to Homer, Alaska in August after spending the summer working with YWAM Las Vegas. I do not know what I will be doing in Homer, for how long, or what living conditions are like. I do not know who is picking me up from the airport, what weather is like or how to out smart a bear. I do not know how much sunlight there will be in the winter, what I will be wearing or what community projects will look like. I do not know.

I know I will be missing my office... I mean Smokey Row

But this is what I do know. June 2-August 6, I will be serving God in Vegas. August 16 I will be
moving to Alaska for a minimum of a year commitment with YWAM Homer. I will be in a new place, a new culture, living with new strangers and serving a new community. I will be living financially by faith, missing the high school youth group at Federated and will be separated from my family for a year. I will miss another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, another New Year. This time I will miss all of my families' Birthdays, Easter and my brothers college graduation.

I will be training others to be missionaries, just like those who have trained me. I will be pouring into others the way I have been poured into. I have a creator who breathed life into me and a history of people who have fueled my fire for God. I live to serve just as my Servant Savior lived.

I know I am going to Homer, Alaska in obedience to Him who has called and laid the path before me, I know I will not pass on the chance to live in His will. All those other details, I'm sure He knows them all. Or at least I am hoping, because I sure do not know!!

I am asking for two things: prayer and financial support. American missionary Samuel Zwemer said, "The history of missions is the history of answered prayer." Please be in prayer as I prepare to go awake our brothers and sisters and bring them back to the table. I cannot do this without your prayer support. Also financial support, as my work with Homer does not come with a salary. Please prayerfully consider financially supporting me to obey God's call on my life in going.

He has offered me life. I accepted and lived it to the fullest.

MA Spring Break: Check!

My spectacular small group for the week!

The return flight from Vegas to Iowa was a lovely two and a half hour nap for me, I cannot speak for the hung over frat boys around me who spring breaked a little to hard however. And we begin re-entry, though it was not as difficult this time as compared to five months away from home with two of those months being in third world countries, there is still an initial shock when reflecting upon the week.

Thursday evening we had a commitment service for the group. The idea was to have a time of Holy Spirit led worship allowing the students a time to talk with God in reflection over the week and to decided where He should lead them next. After the night of worship, each of the 13 students could say they had heard the voice of God and had felt the Holy Spirit sometime during the week. It was beautiful, not simply because each of them were speaking with God, but they were also speaking with each other, student-to-student, the time became real. It is easy to rely on leaders, us crazy YWAM staff, their Bible teacher or the like, but to have built the community among their peers is different. In speaking to each other, they were soon encouraging each other, speaking the heart of the Father to each other, and reaffirming each others original design.

There were so many group photos taken this past week, yet
we were never able to get one of everybody looking at the
camera...

One of the convicting moments of the week was Friday morning when we gathered to go over highs and lows of the week. One of the boys said how amazing the week was, however he did not want to see the group clique up, rather reach others and hold each other accountable. It is so easy to be cliquey when others have not gone through the same experiences, I know because I have secluded myself on the basis of no one understanding, when in reality I did not allow them to understand.

This young man, a high school sophomore, was very wise. The community of Christ can only be built when we expand beyond our own walls. Jesus was not one to stay in the same town, nor did He tell His disciples to be stationary. Abraham, sometimes considered the first missionary, was commanded to go into the land God would show him once he began walking in blind obedience. Leviticus repeatedly says to take care of the aliens in the land for you, Israel, were once aliens. Our Ever Present Guide has marked the path before us, and it requires us to walks.

Even though the city lights shine bright for miles, we will
be the shining city on a hill.

Another comment that touched my heart was a late night conversation I was having with one of the DTS girls in the bathroom. This girl was telling me about another girl, with tears in her eyes she said, "She's my best friend." It caught me off guard, there was no reason to be all teary eyed about it. Then I realized the great love in her words. This was the kind of love that would die for each other, sacrificially giving up the last Dove chocolate and forgiving any grievance.

This is the community of Christ. To awaken the nations we are to find our best friend, go in twos with the Royal Priesthood supporting us and bring the children back to the table. Like the young man reminded our group, community is vital, however community can become an exclusive idol when we tell others they do not understand and turn our backs.

My gorgeous roommates!

The week was filled with 24 DTS girls who ate mass quantities of ice-cream and were excellent at sharing with me. These girls welcomed me into their week with arms wide, allowing me into their lives as I allowed them into mine. I shared a room with my old DTS roommates, only this time our room was not nearly as orderly as before, pretty much that was all my fault. 13 high schoolers and and their 3 leaders encouraged me with their faith. They had such a willingness to pray for strangers, pick up trash, wash dishes and live with so many girls (or at least I did not hear them complain...). MA partook in different evangelism tactics I did last fall, correctly stated, that I did with much disdain and not a positive attitude, yet this group climb the mountain with their arms wide open so to speak. The joy of the Living One inside of them shone brightly in our dark city. Their desire to ravish the nations with the love of our Abba was a reflection of the love of our Abba that so ravished their hearts.

Now it is back to bribing two year old to wear pants and having princess tea parties. Back to fresh fruit, my cats being my alarm clocks and long runs alone. This does not mean it is time to settle, no, there is no time to settle. Shortly now: go!

Vegas: MA Style

My welcoming package!

I arrived 5 days ago in Vegas to work with Mission Adventures. While it is different (being staff, other people living in my old room, sharing the place with 24 other girls), it was a rather natural feeling. I suppose it helps when within 5 minutes of being on base I was whisked away for Starbucks.

The past five days have been wonderful. I have bonded with the DTS girls during a hike Saturday afternoon, laughing over scars from raccoon bites, and worshiping with hearts surrender to our Abba. The MA group consists of 13 high school students from a Christian school in Oregon, two moms chaperons and the student's Bible teacher. With MA we have had lectures on evangelism, Free Prayer on Fremont street, washed dishes and played basketball together. One of the moms and I have gone on morning runs together; we have had heart felt conversations on life, raising children, youth and the church, and bared our testimonies before each other. She does no more than seven miles a day, she sacrificed for me and I upped my game for her. We have joyfully connected as well as shared groans over being tired and still having to "do stuff".

Free Prayer. Two girls praying for strangers!

Monday morning we had MA small group time after breakfast. My two girls show up, obviously tired, and with no idea where the two boys are. We began by reading James 2:17, neither girl is interested in digging deeper. Frustrated, I give up. "Okay, let's just go to the park," I say. We take a Frisbee, and shortly the boys join us at the park. I notice a mom with three daughters. "Okay, God, what do we do?" I pray, and He provides me with the words.

"What does James 2:17 say?" I ask. One of the girls rolls her eyes, "Faith without works is dead." "Correct," I respond, "and what are the two greatest commands Jesus gave?" Another eye roll and look of disgust, "Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself."

"Okay," I say, "go. Faith without works is dead. Love God. Love your neighbor. Go."

Intercession and worship at dusk overlooking Vegas

"What if they say no?" "What do we say?" "WHAT?" "Why?" are some of the responses I receive from these four teenagers. In reality, I was thinking all of those. But in that moment, I pulled up my pride pants, and showed them "it wasn't hard". Truthfully, I was worried the mom would think I was a pedophile and say no. God had other plans, the three girls were ecstatic to play with us!

Soon I saw another mom with her children. She sent her nine year old son to watch out for what looked like a 1 year old baby. The older boy put the baby on the slide. I gladly went over, picked up the baby and asked the boy if he wanted to play Frisbee. And he did!

This baby boy, Soldier, ripped my heart. He had dried vomit on his face, shirt and pants. His diaper was old and needed changing. His eyes did not smile. My heart ache for him knowing he was not being cared for as a prince should. I tried to pass him off to one of the girls and boys in my small group, but Soldier wanted me. As I spoke over him his true identity in Christ and prayed for him, I found each word stung my heart. We smiled, his toes were ticklish, he could walk if I held his hands, and oh how he loved to hold my hands, even when I was just holding him.

Frisbee in the park.

When it was time for us to leave, I gave him back to his mom, a prostitute and mother of seven
children ages one to eleven. Soldier's mom put him in his stroller, immediately he began to cry. I left the park to the screams of a baby. A little boy screaming out to be held, to be prayed for, to be told he is a child of God. My heart screamed for God to do something.

I do not understand why God did this. All those babies I held in India and Nepal, my heart hurts for them. Sometimes I wonder if I knew how much it was going to hurt, would still pick up the baby? Yes. Five minutes of praying over a child, five minutes of love, is worth the pain. Working for Him is excruciatingly hard sometimes. I often want to quit simply because it hurts. And I am reminded of the Abba who turned His face as His little boy cried out of Him. My selfish ambitions resulted in God's baby hanging bloodied on the cross. He never fails to bestow the love necessary in all circumstances.

Here is truth: God heals, God raises the dead, God provides. Go.

The Time In Between

One of the things I struggled with being away
was being in relation with my siblings. It is
good to be in the same state with them all again!

The big question I have received since returning from YWAM is: "When is your next adventure?" They assume coming back to negative degree weather, Iowa, and my family is not an adventure. I say, "I do not know." Little do they know, every day is an adventure. "So, what are you doing with the time in between then?" Mundane tasks, they assume. "I nanny and help with the high school youth." Neither are mundane, though they may appear, simply waking up and speaking to my little brother is not mundane. They offer their sympathetic face, "Well, I will be praying for you then to receive clarity from God. Just make sure that you are really listening to Him." Are we so narrow minded we fail to see all the opportunities God lays before us daily to bring Him glory? I simply reply, "Thank you."

The mission field is a large field, approximately 57,529,222 square miles in fact. In case you are confused, that is the scientific approximation of the size of the world.

Being in the presence of the Lord is a wild adventure, you never know what He is going to say to us. Acting according to our Abba's plan for our life is...magical.

The time in between is pivotal. The Egyptians fled Egypt for the Promised Land, they had 40 years as their "time in between". Jesus was on His way to Galilee when He met the Samaritan woman at the well. Saul was on his way to Damascus when he met the Lord. It was the journey to their destination when they were heavily impacted by God.

Jump starting my mornings with a little coffee and a whole
lot of Jesus!

Next destination: Las Vegas, Nevada for the summer. I will be leaving for Vegas June 3 to join summer staff in leading Mission Adventures.

But let's not get to far ahead of ourselves. The time in between is overflowing with joy and laughter. I nanny for an almost two year old in the mornings. We enjoy walks to the library where I have managed to make mommy friends and he plays trains with other little kids. My mommy friends and I discuss things such as nap time, teething and the different puzzles at the library. Occasionally I let the other moms know I am just the nanny, other times the opportunity does not arise, and I just look like the ultra young mom. Cool.

The constantly reoccurring theme since coming home, however, has been relationships. This is slightly comical because I am single and living with my parents, often waking up with cats in my bed. The youth is currently discussing love, it's almost spring and the rings are flying out of boys pockets, my job is to be in relation with kids, I have listened to the heart of the middle school girl I nanny for as she talks about waiting for her future husband, and of the struggle from a high school girl as she feels unworthy to ever accept love from a guy. In reconnecting with friends I have found many of them in college to be in relationships, or struggling to find joy as they watch others find relationships. I do not always understand.

The joy of relationships with other Christians is the ability to
spend a Friday night worship God!

Yet the desire for love makes sense. Our creator Himself is a relationship, He is three-in-one. We are designed in the likeness of God, therefore we are designed for a three-in-one love: Trinity, us and our future spouse. Everyday we choose to embark in a life of relationships. We choose to be intimate with God, we choose to engage with our family and coworkers, we choose to speak with love to strangers whom we encounter everyday. As the Tenth Avenue North song says, "We're not meant to live this life alone." God created the world so that we might walk with Him in the cool of the day. Adam himself was living in Eden, the perfect garden, and was not even complete until God created Eve.

The time in between for me is an adventure of being transformed into the likeness of the servant lover, my Christ. Being relational is an adventure, though it is difficult. Reverting back to our original intent as humans, is to be in relationship with Him, bringing Him all the glory in everything, not ourselves. Setting aside our our desire to be the center, putting aside the idea that says to God we are deserving of more attention than He is, is difficult. But when we are first relational with Him, we realize how much we need His presence to never leave us, not only because it gives us strength and courage, but because of how beautiful it is to be with Him. When we experience even the slightest glimpse of God, much like Moses, others will see Him brilliantly shining in our faces. We are here to manifest the glory of God to an unbelieving world, and the best way to do so, is through relationships.

DTS: Check!

Graduation day. I still do not recall Kevin complaining once
about being the only guy in the DTS...

Last week was our debriefing week. We, as a team, reviewed the negatives and positives of our outreach. Our speaker encouraged us to spend 2/3 of our time meditating on the negatives, as he said these are the gold mines God tends to work most often in and through. We spent time as a group, as well as personal time with God, reviewing the hurts and joys of the past five months. The enemy often gives us temporary amnesia causing us to forget God's previous faithfulness in all we have been through.

Our speaker encouraged us to also drill God on why we fell in love with different foods, countries, peoples and experiences. We cannot simply nebulize the goodness of an experience, God has a reason as to why this thing has left such an impact on our life. While I may be half a country, or world away, from my brothers and sisters, I can still be in prayer for them, write them e-mails and share their stories with others here. God does not give us a second of life for nothing; every moment of life is part of our testimony that will somehow bring glory to God.

More than anything, however, our speaker prepared us to fail as we enter back into the world outside of YWAM. Such encouragement, right? Or maybe he was being realistic. We cannot simply grow, we must go through life with a game plan. Going through life expecting God to move without moving ourselves is like locking ourselves in a room with no windows and praying to see the sun, we must leave the room to see! I am responsible to kick start the engine of my own missional living. And here's the thing, the missionary lifestyle, I can live that wherever I go. We made a game plan for returning home, made commitments to each other for accountability and made a list of people where we lived we could go to who we knew would hold us accountable. For me this game plan includes living a simpler life, dedicating more of my day to being silent before the throne, and plugging myself into opportunities at home where I can love others with the love God has poured out onto me.

Mom, me and Dad on graduation day. I was so ecstatic for
them to have a small glimpse of what DTS is like!

And then we graduated. Friday January 9, I received a diploma of graduation signifying I have successfully joined the YWAM clan. My parents were there to celebrate with me. Our graduation consisted of one last worship time together as DTS students, a time to share about our adventures with the parents and guests who came, and a challenging finale lecture from our base founder. The following couple days consisted of hard goodbyes and laughs over embarrassing stories. We shared fears of going home, and prayed against the enemy of fear. Going home is simply another place God has provided us with where we can radically live for Him, a place not much different than Vegas, Mexico, Nepal or India.

So, what is next for me? Right now, it is processing what God has taken me through and praying for where God would like to take me next. I have spent much time writing in my journal, sharing my experiences with others and catching up with others. For me it is choosing to tell people about our great Healer and praying for healing, even if others think I may be crazy. For me it is going to Smokey Row and not being afraid to talk to the stranger in the next booth over, always obeying the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Our God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change from India to Nepal to Vegas to Iowa, He is everlasting, with us every moment with the same authority He always has had. While I may not have a plan for my future, my Abba Daddy has a beautiful plan, I just do not understand why He has not shared it with me!

Daddyoh and I am at Hoover Dam. I was able to take them
around town showing them places where we did ministry and
out sight seeing!

While I now type up the last post reviewing my DTS experience, I am reminded of all God has done. He has taken me to Vegas, Mexico, Nepal and India. I have prayed for people who have been healed of back pain and broken shoulders. I have held little girls who will most likely be sold into sex slavery and danced with little girls who will grow up to be world changers. I think of the people who have spoken over me, challenging me to live more intentionally and others who have pushed me outside my comfort zone to pray for strangers. Most importantly, I have grown to see more of who my Creator intended me to be; I was created to live within the freedom of the cross, clothed in grace and love. I have fallen in love with the Alpha and Omega, the one who works not within our language, cultural or skin colored boundaries, but the one who works through any willing person. Now it is my choice to neatly pack all my memories into a YWAM box, shove it into my closet and move on, or daily remember God has given me a taste of what is to come. Jesus himself said we, His disciples, would do far greater things than He did. I believe Him.

I am so thankful for all those who have prayed for me as I have gone through these past five months, I know I could not have done any of this without others interceding for me. I have been blessed beyond belief for those who choose to come along side me, your help has changed me and others around the world who will continue to change the world. I send out great thanks for those who have helped me realize who I am and what I have a passion for, and I invite others to come along side me as I continue to run the race marked out before me, wherever that may lead. I am choosing to live as a revivalist, daughter of the one who breathed gifts, passions and testimonies into dust, calling these new creations very good

The Story of Us

Ringing in the new year on the strip!

New Years Eve is typically full of parties, looking back on the past year and looking forward to the new year. I rang in the new year on the strip here in Vegas, something I never anticipated nor desired. Looking back on the year, I was in awe of the way God moved. He is Jehovah Sneaky, a God who dances with us in mysterious ways. One of the biggest things I learned while in YWAM, especially in Nepal and India, is how stunning every person's story is.

The first full day back in the states, I spent most of the day in the hospital. I was quarantined because I just returned form being out of the states, (they believe my severe abdominal pain was due to parasites, nothing serious, all is good) but my room had cable television. While Kat, who came with me, slept on my bed and snored, I was catching up with CNN. The biggest news was of course of the missing airline in Asia, a concern of ours when flying in Asia. They were showing interviews from families members of those missing at sea. They were sharing the silly memories of their dad's favorite holiday tradition or their son's first steps. Each person was sharing a story, making the tragedy half way around the world, a little more personal.

My lovely hospital getup.

Being back in Vegas, we have focused on community outreaches. My favorite outreach this past week, most likely of all our outreaches here in Vegas, has been at the Rescue Mission up the road
from us. The Rescue Mission offers meals to the homeless, as well as houses people. The residents are part of a 12 step discipleship program focusing on addiction rehabilitation, job readiness, and on faith. The process is a year long total, each step being a month long. To enter into the program, a person must be willing to clean up their lives. I was able to hear much of a staff members story and his personal journey into the drug world and then the beautiful journey into his walk with the Lord.

The thing I loved most about the Rescue Mission, is they see past the current state of each person. The Rescue Mission does not deem the person as an embarrassment, but as a person with a testimony, a purpose, and immense value. Each person at the Rescue Mission is recovering from some form of addiction; their addiction is not what makes their story inspiring, it is their willingness to leave their way of life. What we overcome in life is not to be the focus of our testimony, the Lord's faithfulness and provision of strength and courage to leave behind our comfortable past is the beauty of our lives.

Serving at the Rescue Mission one evening
with Miss Nevada.

Another place we have been able to serve at this past week was a women and children shelter. I was able to chat with a lady who just left prostitution 3 weeks ago. She was telling me how her mother worked in the brothels, so when this gal was released from four years of juvi at the age of 18, she did the only thing she knew, sell herself. She herself said she was a victim of sex trafficking for the past 9 years, something most women are not aware they are apart of, they simply see themselves as worthless prostitutes. This young women realized she had more to offer, and was more. She has a story, passions and dreams. She made me laugh when she said she left everything she had at her pimp's house and was struggling only having one outfit when she came to the shelter. She's a girly girl, she needs her clothes and makeup. Of course, though! She is a young women! Often we overlook things such as that. The label 'prostitute' often overshadows who the person is. She is a living, walking, breathing masterpiece with a story, when matched with the love of the Lord, will bring girls out of prostitution and into the Father's divine plans.

In India, I lived with 67 girls, very few of which knew any English. And I wanted to know about them! I wanted to know their story! I want to know about their families, their testimony, their passions, their dreams. But there was one thing in the way: language. Language kept us from knowing their stories, and I hated it! We were able to love the girls and see their passion for the Lord and each other through their actions. Language enables us to hear the way the Lord moved through others' lives. Love, on the other hand, allows us to be a part of each other's stories without language.