Transparency

A struggle for me has been not knowing the community, people, places and needs. The people all look the same, I cannot tell the homeless apart from the wealthy, they all wear Xtratuffs and flannel! Everything I need is within walking distance, limiting my ventures to other parts of the town. And the needs have been well concealed to preserve an outward appearance. 

I sent emails, made phone calls, and asked at different places for volunteer opportunities. Yes! Many! Many that require background checks, 30 hours of training, health inspections, high school or college transcripts, ability to lift 50 pounds, and no children! 

*Insert hopelessness, doubt and questioning if I am fit for the job*

A friend in the community (it's true! Yes, she used to work on staff here, but still!) suggested I call long-term care at the hospital, the last DTS here went there often. I called. Begging, compromising, telling God I would give up peanut butter for a week if He just opened a door! Not the best way to pray. I called, was passed to three different people, finally a cheery voice greeted me, ecstatic to hear we wanted to come. 

Thank you Jesus!

9 of us loaded into the large van yesterday and went to visit. There were two elderly ladies in the room, and two more "watching" Disney's Tarzan with their heads back, eyes closed and mouths open. 

An old song by Bon Iver has been coming to mind a lot this week. Part of the lyrics say: At once I knew, I was not magnificent. That is how I felt at long term care. 

Each one of us had a connection. The Swiss couple and a staff lady from California played games with a lady originally from California who spoke German; the couple was able to speak German with her. The Russian on staff had a previous connection with a guy in long-term care who came into the room; they spoke Russian to each other. The other student was able to pray and hold hands with an elderly lady; both in need of human touch. I helped served ice-cream with a long-term staff lady; she is originally from Iowa and her daughter is going to the same college I went too. And the Swiss girls scored ice-cream cones, their smiles ringed with vanilla sugary goodness expressed their delight in the day!

When I stopped, gave my desires all to Him, surrendered and prayed, He provided. No, it was not my idea to go to long-term, in fact I thought it sounded mundane, something everybody does, I wanted something "more exciting". I was slightly embarrassed, it was something the old school did all the time, I am the fresh new staff person from flashy Vegas, my pride said I should have equally as fresh, new and flashy ideas. 

“Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself. ” 

-Brennan Manning

And the feelings of doubt, hopelessness and questioning, they are real. Insecurities are real. Fear of rejection, not wanting to fail, the desire to please everyone, desiring to do an outstanding job, I struggle with them all, even as a missionary. Sometimes I believe the lie as a missionary I am not suppose to struggle so much, or at least not show it because God will never give me more than I can handle on my own.  

“There is a beautiful transparency of honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.” 

-Brennan Manning

Transparency. This would require us to believe there are others who will love, accept and welcome us, even after they see how broken we are. 

When we pray for divine appointments, expect divine appointments. When we pray for God to provide, expect God to provide. We are praying to the One with fire in His eyes, the One who sees us, knows us and desires to give us good gifts. His passion is far deeper than we can comprehend. He twirls us through a tender mysterious dance called life. And when the song slows enough for us to look around, it may not look as we envisioned, but He never once let go of us and does not plan to until the dance is complete. Then He will hold our hand as we walk into eternity together.

Thank you Abba, for knowing when I am pretending and loving me anyways. Thank you, Daddy, for freedom from expectation and freedom to enter the throne room. Thank you, Daddy, for never running out of grace, forgiveness or patience with me. Thank you, Daddy, for planning things far greater than I could conjure up. And Daddy, thank you for surrounding me with a family of broken Jesus followers.

Alaska update: cooked moose, halibut and salmon this week. Attempted to cook bear but the meat was four years old and did not look the best. A mile up the ridge from us received snow two nights ago, the cars coming into town in the morning bore the evidence. All the mountains across the bay are snow capped. Fall is here. Winter is close behind.