Week 7 has been a difficult week for me. The topic of the week was the Holy Spirit. Our teachers were both so wonderfully full of knowledge. I was very blessed to learn more about the different gifts of the Spirit and different situations where the Holy Spirit was present.
This week, however, contained "blast from the past" moments. A year ago there was a very special young man in my life, and his mother pasted of breast cancer. We both suffered, something I did not expect, and I especially did not expect to still feel so much emotion. Many times I found myself revisiting past memories, dwelling on the what could have beens. A year ago I never would never have envisioned myself being single living in Las Vegas doing a DTS. A year ago I envisioned my future being me graduating from college, still with the same young man.
Dwelling on the memories is a very dangerous thing. Looking back, laughing and learning, yes that is good and healthy. But questioning, wishing for a different ending, wishing I would have said or done something differently is not healthy. By making myself vulnerable to questioning why the Lord's will played out the way it did, I reopened myself to many lies I thought I had conquered.
One of the biggest lies I began to re-believe is I was alone. Feeling alone was a result of me not being vulnerable. Me not being vulnerable was a result of believing 3 lies: it is not a big of a deal, there are bigger problems, telling people is not going to make a difference.
1. My feelings are a big deal. My heart is to reflect the heart of the Creator of the Universe. I was created in God's image, therefore my feelings are created in the image of God's feelings. If my heart is breaking, then God's heart is breaking. Pushing aside my feelings in response to embarrassment and fear others will make fun of them, is saying to God, "God, I really am embarrassed by Your heart and I care more about what others think than what You feel."
2. Are you sure? Currently the problem is my heart is really hurting. Having a hurting heart for me spreads into all parts of my life. It affects my eating, sleeping, attitude, and the way I treat others. But most importantly, having a hurting heart puts a barrier between God and I. My relationship with my Abba Daddy really suffers. I do not want to talk to Him or people about my problems, because I do not want to be seen as a problem. Lack of vulnerability WILL destroy relationships.
3. It will make a difference. Telling others how I am feeling, I allow others to see God in me, and I allow others to speak God out of them. Being vulnerable allows for a love relationship. Love is not something that is clean. Love is messy. Love is snot, tears, and pain. Love is not always pretty, happy, easy or desired. Love is saying, "I'm sorry," and "I forgive you." Love is beautiful. Love is taking time to listen to the hurts of another. Love is being willing to dig deep into the pains, sorrows, and dark valleys of each other's lives and not being scared of others. Love is this crazy thing that yells, "HEY! YOU ARE SO FRICKEN AWESOME! I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE!" I did not allow anybody to love me or to yell that at me.
God is showing me what love really means. God wants to go deep with me because He loves me. Shouldn't I want to go deep with Him? Do I not love Him? Do I not want to feel His heart and share it with others? God wants my heart to break. God wants to take my past and remold it into a testimony for His glory. He does not want us to keep all the memories to ourselves. He thinks our lives are so beautiful and can all shine His grace if we allow Him!
With much LOVE!
Livia
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