What Will My Story Be?

"Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." 

Psalm 19:4

Today I made my first payment into my YWAM fund. I therefore solidified that I was going. YIKES! No longer is attending YWAM a fall dream, it is a undeniable reality. I am now having difficulties perceiving the now. There is an abundance of details that are in need of planning and so much to do. No longer does August seem to be a far off month. Yet God is saying, "Focus here. Be at Central." It would appear as though God is telling me to trust Him and live everyday in complete surrender and trust. How?

I reread an e-mail I receive almost 2 years ago from a teacher who e-mailed the student body after the death of his son, a peer of mine. The e-mail was all about how my story is will impact somebody whether I know of this or not. That impact I make can either be negative or positive, I have the choice on which it will be. The e-mail ends by saying, "You matter to the people you touch, and the people they touch, and the people they touch, and on and on and on. They are all going to tell your story. So what will your story be?"

I desire my story to be one of a love so deep for my Heavenly Father, those around me recognized my trust in Him. Just as the birds of the air trust God will provide them food and the lilies of the field trust God will provide them with rain and sunshine, I am to trust God that He will bring provision. I am to choose. There comes a point in every faith walk when God has presented Himself and His word abounding in promises and God makes us choose. God has given us the proof of His trustworthiness, loyalty, compassion, mercy and love. Now I am to choose if I would like to put my trust in a deity comprised of those attributes. I am choosing to trust and be present, praying that my voice will go out into all the earth, and my words given to me by God will go to the ends of the world.

So, what will your story be?

The Path to Now

To be fair, I suppose I should say more of how I got to this point. My very first post said how I was formed with a passion and how I got to the point of applying for YWAM. But my story started long before that. My story is filled with tears and laughs, people, places, and even animals. So... here we go!

God blessed me to be raised in a country where there is a freedom of religion. There may be corruption, political policies I do not agree with, and much brutality, but I still have the freedom of religion. Not only that, I was blessed with the chance to grow up going to church. I fell in love with Jesus. First Sunday school, then AWANAS then G3 (Gods growing girls), Get Connected and small groups, then finally SWAT and more small groups. Mixed in there are youth conferences and missions trips.

I first accepted Christ as a young girl in AWANAS. And stuff happened, life gets hard. Middle school was very hard, and not simply because it was middle school. I lost much of my hope and joy an Christ. Our family went through the process of adopting my little brother Adam. It was hard, but God promises to make everything work together for His good. God is faithful and trustworthy, and good things did come out of the adoption, and my faith grew immensely.

My freshman year of high school I went on a weekend youth conference called Acquire the Fire. One of the big missions organization being advocated for at ATF was Global Expedition. There were pictures of teenagers just like me making a difference in 3rd world countries. This was my dream! I felt it in my stomach, I cried I had so much passion inside of me. My eyes were opened to the fact I had not been living fully for the Lord, I was living for me. It was there I rededicated myself to Christ. Those pictures, the stories, the preachings from ATF truly did start a fire inside of me I would contained and control. And so my passion turned into action.

At the end of my freshman year of high school, spring 2011, I decided to graduate a year early in hopes of going abroad my senior year. With much contemplation, my mom suggested I go to college or do a gap year mission work. Yes, gap year in a foreign country. I wanted to get away, I did not want to be anywhere close to home, and especially not college. We looked, and decided it was a good idea to join a missions organization called Hope of the Nations, an amazing organization in Kigoma, Tanzania. The church I attend, Federated Fellowship, has missionaries there, and my youth pastor, his wife and children were going to be moving there, so I could fly with them. The plan was in the summer of 2012 to go to Kigoma for about 6 weeks to make sure this was indeed a good fit, then in the summer of 2013 move there for a year internship. A far off exotic place half a world away from where I was, I was excited! Plans were put in place in the fall of 2011 to graduate early and I began taking upperclassmen classes.

January of 2012, it fell apart. Honestly, I cannot say what happen because I do not know. Maybe miss communication or unmet expectations. Ultimately, it was God closing a door, hard and fast, and it hurt, bad. So I was going to be home in the summer, and now what do I do after graduation?

Mom suggested Victory Bible camps in Sutton, Alaska. I applied and was accepted. Okay, Alaska for the summer, mountains, no heat and humidity, and I was away from Iowa. I could live with that. Now I have a hard time imagining living without Alaska. God stretched me. Camp was challenging. I lived in a house with two showers and 16 other girls, sometimes more.God opened my heart to my amazing roommate and campers. I quickly learned that I was in no way strong enough to do any of this on my own.  God completely emptied me of me and filled me with Him. There were days when I was running on about 5 hours of sleep, and that was the most sleep I had gotten in three days. I would be exhaust and not know how I was going to make it through the day. It was in those moments of vulnerability that God proved himself faithful.

Me and Crutch, my roommate. She was everything I was not, and taught 

me to just chill out and "hop off my sass cloud".

And so I returned and it was my last year of high school. Many times I questioned myself and other questioned me if I was sure I wanted to be graduating, I could still stay another year. But after Tanzania fell through, I decided to stick with it and graduate early. So began the process of college picking. I looked and looked and looked. I fell in love with colleges everywhere but Iowa. If I could not go to Tanzania, I would at least get out of the state. And so my mom told me to apply at Central college, the private liberal arts college in Pella, the town I live in. I did. I was suppose to go half way across the world, and God took that away and placed me half way across town; He has some sort of humor that I did not think was funny. I would not admit it, but despite all my anger and resentment towards applying, I felt at peace about the decision though.

So, I graduated, and went back to Alaska for a second summer. God preformed more miracles that opened my eyes even wider. He opened my heart filling me with more of His joy and emptying me of worldly happiness. I met new people, had new experiences, falling even more in love with my Creator all the while. This summer was a summer of  love. Love is a very broken part of my life and I built up walls to make sure I would not be hurt. The first summer at Victory God was working at weakening the base of this wall, this summer He tore it down on about the second day. It came down fast, there was no stopping it, and oh it was so freeing. Campers came into my life and I loved them. One week I was asked to be a fill in co-counselor and of course I had that one camper. That one camper who comes every summer about three times and has been coming sense the beginning of time. She is known for her awful behavior, her authority challenging behavior, and her claim to a life changed because "I am the best counselor ever". Even she has a special place in my heart. I can say that I love my campers with all honesty.

I left Alaska and it was so hard. I was hurting as I left the place and people I loved. But God never stops working, never slowing down for anything. Three weeks after I returned from camp, I moved into college. Everyday was a trial to wake up and choose to serve Him no matter how what mood I am in. God taught me how to love others in a Christian environment, now it was time to learn to love on a college campus. God places people in our life for a reason. I do not believe in coincidences or accidents, I only believe in a God of miracles planning a beautiful future. God moves in mysterious ways and through people we least expect. 

After much pruning and many life experiences, through meeting people and having gone on many  crazy adventures, here I am. Nothing more, nothing less. An average, ordinary sinner who God calls His princess. 

Lovingly yours,

Livia

Accepted!

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7 

Today I received the email of acceptance. This means on August 25, if anybody is looking for me, I will be in Las Vegas. Currently I have been reading through the book of Acts and fallen in love with who they are. I feel as though, through YWAM, I will be experiencing the Acts church.

The Acts church is famous for their "selling of possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to met together in the temple courts. The broke bread in their homes and ate with glad and sincere hearts" (Acts 2:45,46). But there is so much more to the church than this! There was of course Stephen who prayed for those who were stoning him. There was Tabitha who "was always doing good and helping the poor" (Acts 9:36). Tabitha died and was surrounded by widows who were holding the clothing she had made. There was Barnabas who was one of the first to sell his possessions to help the Christians in Jerusalem and joined Paul in his travels; his name means "son of encouragement". There's Peter, James, Timothy, Cornelius, Apollos, Priscilla, Agrippa. It is not the church that we should be amazed at, but the people within the church who made the church so famous.

The one thing they all had in common is they were "selling the possessions and doing good and gave to anyone as he had need". Even as they were selling their things, God still provided them with the means to help others. I am finding joy as I continue to clean out my life, both of material things, time spent with electronics, and with activities that I never realized but are actually causing me much distress. Each thing I remove, I am filled a little more with God. I am able to eat with a "glad and sincere heart" without worrying about this activity or that paper. I am aligning my heart more with God's and less with the world's.

Having said this, it would appear as though I am overjoyed with being accepted to YWAM. Yes, I am! Then comes the planning. I am now trying to process everything that I need to do. 4 months. That is how much time I have until I leave. In that time, I will be fundraising around $7,000, planning for spring semester of college, finishing this semester of college, working one full time job and one part time job, preparing my heart, packing, preparing to pack, and telling others about the amazing God I serve and where He is sending me.

I will be leaving behind what I know. For the past 13 years of my life, all I know is going to school in the fall. I know about the leaves turning colors in the fall and snow in December. I know about Thanksgiving, my Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve celebrations with my family. I know about Iowa. Where I am going, I do not know anything. I do not know about the desert or the big city. I do not know what it is like to having killings each day and the sound of sirens instead of cicada bugs in the night.

For me too be scared of doing the uncomfortable would be to forget that Jesus gave up all that was comfortable as he hung naked and bleeding for me on the cross. To be like Christ is to go where the Father leads. Christ cried out for God to take away the cup of death, but Christ also prayed for God's will to be done. I pray for God's will to be done. I am excited to drink from this cup, but I know, much like Christ, there will be days I will cry out for God to take away the cup. I, following after my role model and Savior, trust my Shepard, my Creator, my Daddy.

"And see, now I go bound in the spirit to Jerusalem, not knowing the things that will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies in every city, saying that chains and tribulations await me. But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." Acts 20:22-24

Preparing for the Miracle

"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows." Luke 12:47

It has been hard listening to my friends talk about signing up for housing or skipping class to register for classes. Girls on my dorm floor are screaming with excitement as they find out they are accepted to study abroad programs. While I am excited for them, it is hard. It is hard to think next fall there will be no excitement of homecoming for Wednesday ice-cream bar. No gennis or meeting new freshman and hearing their horror stories of SOS welcome week. There will be no bragging from me about living in Graham and not having to deal with Scholte fire alarms being pulled. There will be no coffee time after church on Sunday with my mom and sister or Dad's homemade popcorn on Sunday night. I am a part of a club on campus called To Write Love On Her Arm and tonight is officer elections. Somebody is going to be taking my spot.

Instead I have the excitement of checking my email every day to see if there is an email from YWAM. I have the excitement of looking at spring classes. I have the excitement of telling others about YWAM and planning ways to fund-raise. I have the excitement of knowing if I am accepted I will be wearing shorts in Mexico on my birthday, not five layers of clothing and a winter coat.

But really, I have the excitement of the unknown. In the process of pruning me, God is taking away what is familiar. Miracles never come as expected, they are mysterious in nature. Really the title of this blog is not true. I am not preparing for a miracle, I am praying for my eyes to be open and attentive, so when the miracle happens, I see it.

God has taken away so much from me in the past week and a half. When He takes something away, He replaces the opening with more of Him. I remember this feeling, from this past summer while working at Victory Bible Camp. I remember being so free. Then I came home, and let the world come back in. WHY?! I am praising Him. My last blog talked about learning to praise, I am praising Him. I am praising Him for freeing me from the attachments of this world. I am praising Him for taking away mindless time consuming things that allow me more time in the Word. But mostly, I am praising Him for giving me a second chance, or, more accurately, about a billionth chance.

Today I began the process of looking at classes for next spring. Spring 2015. Crazy. Last Friday, April 11, I applied for my leave of absence for fall 2014 from college and reentry second semester. The crazy part is, I have not officially been accepted yet. I am preparing for the miracle. I am allowing God to take away me and leave Him. I am opening my fall schedule expecting Him to work. Then planning my spring schedule, expecting Him to bring me back. Is this right? I do not know. I trust God. I am willing to not go to school next year. I am willing to go to school in the fall. I am willing to go where my Creator leads me. Maybe I am not willing to work on a snake farm, but otherwise, I am pretty willing.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Learning to Praise

In a world that keeps moving forward, never slowing down, it is so difficult to stand still and listen midst the roaring flood waters. God gives us distractions to see if we are willing to fight hard enough to find Him.

In Hebrews it says to run the race with perseverance. I cannot run when I have my backpack on, carrying a dufflebag, and dragging a rolling suitcase. This is why Jesus told his disciples in Luke 9:3 to "take nothing for the journey - no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt." These were all distractions. When it begins to rain, we worry about our distractions becoming wet, we take extra time to keep them away from the rain instead of allowing the rain to grow us. When we are walking through the desert and we begin to sweat, we worry about our clothing obtaining sweat stains.

But the staff is to help us as we are walking up steep mountains, so why can't we take a staff? Staffs were also used by shepherds to guard their sheep against wolves. What if I encounter wolves? Why can't we take extra bread? What if we find a hungry beggar along the way?

And God says, "Why can't you just trust me?"

Yesterday I woke up feeling free and light. Wednesday night I surrender one of my most prized possessions: a friendship. When God calls us to surrender, we must be willing to surrender everything, even the good things. I do not understand God, but I choose obedience. I was upset with God and I sure let Him know, but I also let Him know that I trust Him through everything. He is my first love. He is my daddy, my Creator. The freedom I felt in the early morning soon dissolved. I began to become distracted by the "what ifs" in life.

I cannot take a staff with me because then I would be relying on my own strength. It would be I who was climbing the mountain and I who was defending the wolf. I cannot take a bag because I would fill it and be burdened. I cannot take extra bread because maybe I am the helpless beggar on the roadside. I am to trust God to give me my bread, my daily bread. I am to take no money and trust God with provisions. The Israelite who wandered the desert for 40 years wore the same shoes and clothing all 40 years, "their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell" (Deuteronomy 8:4). I am to trust my clothing does not wear and my feet do not swell.

All these distractions are taking away from experiencing the fullness of God and His miraculous provisions. I am not to run away from the flood waters, I am to run upstream with perseverance, trusting God to give me strength. Now I am waiting for a for sure acceptance to YWAM. God is so good. His freedom is like nothing else. God is teaching me to surrender and teaching me how to enjoy the flood waters.

A week ago I sent in my application. This week has been so hard. This week experienced more tears than I knew was possible. I have poured out to God and dove into His word. I am in the process of praising God for this week. I am learning. I am opening my heart to hear God. I know that God will not tell me if I am accepted to YWAM until I can praise Him for this week. Until I learn to dance in the rain, I cannot dance in the warm sunlight.

Learning to praise,
Livia

The Beginning

Then I heard the voice of the Lord say, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I! Send me!" 

Isaiah 6:8

It all began the day I was knit together in my mothers womb. God knit in my the passion to serve and the passion for international adventure. As I began a personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, I told God, "Here am I! Send me!" He took my willing heart, and is sending me.

60 days before April 4, I began 60 Day Prayer. For 60 days I prayed what I am to do in the fall. I simply said, "God, what am I to do in the fall?" Day 34 Mom suggested looking into YWAM and so I did. I began looking and found YWAM Las Vegas which focuses on orphan care in Mexico and South America and it felt right, I felt God smiling down on me.  But I kept looking because this DTS program started in January. Friday morning I woke up and I knew I was to go to Las Vegas DTS, but I kept looking because I knew I was to go in the fall. I kept looking and looking at other YWAM destinations, but I knew it was Las Vegas. I told God, "God, I know I am to go in the fall though." And God said, "Well go look on the Las Vegas website!" Sure enough, God was right, He knew what I was doing. There is a Las Vegas DTS that leaves in August. I do not know when this was posted or why I never realized there was one that left in August. It was one of those moments when I had to sit there with my mouth open in shock of God. He never ceases to amaze me.

So here is the website for those who are interested. Even if you are reading this and do not really care about what I am doing, you are just curious the process I am under, I encourage you to watch the video on this page about missionaries. It makes my heart soar. http://ywamlasvegas.org/orphan-care-dts/

So, what am I doing now? Well, I sent in the finale part of my application yesterday. I am waiting for all my references to be sent in and the finale confirmation that I am accepted into the program. 

Right now, God is pruning me, and He is pruning a lot. I have given up school for the fall, easy. I have been cleaning out my room, knowing that Jesus commanded the rich young ruler to give his possessions to the poor, medium. I had to give up Alaska this summer, hard. Now He is calling me give up a relationship, nothing can say how incredibly hard this is. 

This is where I am at. To love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind, I must let make sure I am not sharing my heart, soul and mind. As of right now, this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. God commands me stretch out my branches and let Him prune. He will cut away the branches that are not good for me. He loves me and knows what is best for my future. Does that make it easy? No. Does that mean I want God to prune me? No. I do not understand why God takes away the things He does. They are good things.

I feel like a little girl getting a shot at the doctors and my daddy is holding my hand. The tears are welling up in my eyes because it hurts, but my daddy is saying, "It's okay, I promise. This is good for you. It will keep you healthy." It is hard and it hurts, but I trust God. If I tell God I would like to be sent, I must allow Him to pack my bags. He know what I need for this journey, how much I can carry and what will hinder me from serving Him. I do not. Therefore I will trust Him not matter how painful it is. 

So that is where I am at! 5 days into the great YWAM adventure. I am in love with the Lord and so excited to be go with Him on this adventure!